If only we had used our heads
by Noodlejelly
Summary: A hilarious look at what could have happened if only wizards had used their heads (or truth serum), ch.6 when Voldemort discovers a way to test the deatheaters loyalty it spells trouble for Snape and fun for McGonagall
1. Tom Riddle - Lord Voldemort?

Disclaimer: It all belongs to J.K Rowling, except the plot  
  
  
  
1 If only we had used our heads  
  
Narrator: Welcome everybody to a nostalgic look back at the wizarding world in this new show of 'If  
  
only we had used our heads' with various celebrity guests to tell their stories. But to explain  
  
how this show came about, here's Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and of course HARRY  
  
POTTER  
  
Harry: It was simple really I remembered on the way to the philosopher's stone how Ron had said  
  
'Have you gone mad are you a witch or not?'  
  
Ron: And it got us thinking about all the cool stuff wizards and witches can do  
  
Hermione: Then Harry remembered about truth serum  
  
Harry: And it got us thinking how history would be different if only wizards had used their heads  
  
Hermione: And what better place to start than with Tom Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort in his school days  
  
Tom has just made his request to stay at school, Dippet has refused and asked Tom if he knows anything, Tom says no and turns to leave when:  
  
Dippet: Just wait a minute Tom, I feel you where hiding something from me, will you tell me what?  
  
Tom: You're mistaken Professor, I've nothing to hide  
  
Dippet: Excellent, then you won't mind drinking this will you  
  
Tom: Err.Well.hmm.of course not (gulps it down nervously)  
  
Dippet: So how do you feel?  
  
Tom: Strange what was that stuff?  
  
Dippet: Oops, did I forget to mention it was truth serum, silly me  
  
Tom: (paling) uh oh, this is bad  
  
Dippet: Really why, are you hiding something Tom?  
  
Tom: Yes  
  
Dippet: Well what is it that you're hiding?  
  
Tom: The clock I stole from your desk  
  
Dippet: Huh, oh put it back, I meant are you hiding any secrets from me?  
  
Tom: Yes lots  
  
Dippet: Well I want to hear them all  
  
Tom: All of them? This could take a while, well I murdered my father he was a worthless fool, I'm the  
  
last surviving heir to Slytherin, I can open the chamber of secrets, I can talk to snakes, I'm  
  
planning on becoming the greatest dark wizard ever and calling myself Lord Voldemort, I'm  
  
trying to kill all muggles, I set my giant snake on the spotty girl with glasses, well that's about all  
  
my really big secrets  
  
Dippet: Oh great, Dumbledore was right now I owe him 10 galleons, oh but I almost forgot about you  
  
Tom. Hmm what to do, what the heck I'll just send you to Azkeban  
  
Tom: Noooo, all my plans ruined, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids.  
  
Dippet: Tom I'm not a kid and also 'Lord Voldemort' what kind of stupid sissy name is that, hahahaha  
  
  
  
  
  
Next time tune in for a Sirius story, and in the near future I will do Snape as well, but please please please review, go on it won't even take you a minute, aww go on please 


	2. Sirius, all for a pair of socks

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this story  
  
So now we've discovered how Voldemort could have easily been stopped we will see how Sirius could have been cleared if only wizards had used their heads  
  
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Fred: So if only old Dippet had thought to use truth serum  
  
George: Yeah, oh by the way Fred and me are your me presenters because that narrator was really annoying us  
  
Fred: Right, so what next?  
  
George: Ooo it's Sirius, this should be fun  
  
Fred: Hey, do you think he would help us with some pranks on Snape?  
  
George: I don't know we'll have to ask him, but on with alternate history  
  
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Voldemort has killed James and Lily, and Sirius has been arrested and is about to be sent to Azkeban when Remus arrives out of breath  
  
Remus: Wait, you can't send him to Azkeban  
  
Crouch: Yes I can, I've already sent at least ten other people this week  
  
Remus: But why don't you give him the truth serum to make sure he's guilty  
  
Sirius: For the last time it was the rat not me  
  
Crouch: What the hell are you on about, a rat can't even hold a wand, you really aren't making a very good defence for your actions, you should at least talk sense man  
  
Remus: Allow me to explain, I think he means that Peter Pettigrew was working for Voldemort not him, but if we gave him some truth serum we could find out for sure  
  
Crouch: But he's a lunatic, he'll just talk about rats and dogs and god knows what else  
  
Remus: You should at least try shouldn't you?  
  
Crouch: Oh fine, whatever it takes to shut you up, but he better confess, the office reward this month is capture 20 deatheaters and be made minister of magic and get a pair of socks free  
  
Remus: Well I can see the socks must be a tempting offer, tell you what you can throw him in Azkeban, you can be minister of magic but I get the socks, mine tear really easily, it's the whole werewolf thing  
  
Sirius: Remus, you're meant to be here to save me not get me killed  
  
Remus: What, oh yeah sorry, right Crouch give him the truth serum  
  
Crouch: Right Black drink this  
  
Sirius: I didn't do, it wasn't me, I swear…  
  
Remus: Um Sirius he hasn't even asked you yet  
  
Sirius: Oops sorry, just practising  
  
Crouch: Right let's get on with this, Sirius Black are you or are you not working for Lord Voldemort  
  
Sirius: No I'm not  
  
Crouch: What? You have to be I want that pair of socks  
  
Remus: I thought you wanted to be minister of magic  
  
Crouch: Oh yes that too, wait I've got another question, Black did you tell Voldemort where James and Lily Potter where  
  
Sirius: No  
  
Crouch: Well are you sure, not even a hint  
  
Sirius: No  
  
Crouch: Very well, where you even the Potter's secret keeper?  
  
Sirius: No  
  
Crouch: Oooo, I knew I shouldn't have got out of bed this morning, so who was the secret keeper?  
  
Sirius: I already told you it was Peter Petigrew  
  
Crouch: But you killed him in that street  
  
Sirius: Arrrgghh, haven't you been listening to a word I've said, he's an amigus, he can turn into a rat, in the street he was just acting, I suspect that that Trewlaney woman gave him dram lessons, I bet she always harboured secret ambitions to be an actress  
  
Crouch: Really do you think so, you know I once heard a rumour that she had wanted a part in a West-end musical but got turned down  
  
Sirius: Well interesting though that information is, the point is I'm innocent so can I go now  
  
Crouch: Oh well do you really have to, can't we just pretend you work for Voldemort, so I can throw you in Azkeban  
  
Sirius: It's tempting, but no  
  
Crouch: Very well, but Remus how did you know he was innocent  
  
Remus: I didn't, I was just bored so I thought it would be fun to see Sirius worried for once, I also wanted to ask him a question and get a truthful answer  
  
Crouch: Whatever, I'm off home, Winky has promised to read me a bed-time story tonight and I can't be late or she'll spank me again  
  
Sirius: What a weird man, anyway Remus my hero fire away, I'll answer anything you want  
  
Remus: Good, so in the fifth year when Kaylie dumped me and started going out with you the next day, are you sure you had nothing to do with it?  
  
Sirius: Ha of course I did, she was hot and the only girl in our year I hadn't gone out with, so I had to seduce her, I had a reputation to keep up after all  
  
Remus: YOU DID WHAT, just wait till the full moon  
  
Sirius: Arrgghh, help me, dementors there's a mad werewolf on the loose, quick capture him before he kills an innocent man, like me for example  
  
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Harry: Err that was fun…. I think  
  
George: Harry get lost, you always get the attention, me and Fred do this bit not you  
  
Fred: Exactly, go snog Hermione or something  
  
Harry: Fine I didn't want to do the Snape story anyway, but I'll be back  
  
Fred: O great now you've given away what the next stories about, Thanks Harry  
  
Harry: Ha, my pleasure, I think I'll go now  
  
George: Right, now how would things turn out if Snape was given the truth serum  
  
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Well unless you review, you won't find out, so go on press that little button there and review. For anyone who reads my Fred and George story don't worry, I'm still doing that on I just wanted to see what people think of this story 


	3. So many groups, so little time for Snape...

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, I do however own the plot, dreadful though it is  
  
Despite the fact only four people have actually reviewed this story (Thank you very much Summersun, Asteria, denverhockeygirl and Black dragon), I'm still going to persist with this story. So here's my latest offering  
  
  
  
After the goblet of fire, Snape and Dumbledore are talking while they drink some tea in Dumbledore's office (In case you can't work it out S stands for Snape and D stands for Dumbledore, I just couldn't be bothered to write their name every new line)  
  
D: Oh Severus I got some new tea sweetener, would you care to try some?  
  
S: Hmm that looked like a potion to me. What are you up to Albus?  
  
D: Nothing, why would you think I was up to something? Please just try some, it's delicious  
  
S: I'll only drink it if you do  
  
D: Err. well. fine (drinks), now you  
  
S: That was truth serum Albus. You can taste it, I do know what my own potions taste like, I'm not completely stupid  
  
D: Really, you could have fooled me.. eek, I mean, erm, what I meant to say was.  
  
S: Ha, give it up Albus. Why did you give me truth serum?  
  
D: I just wanted to make sure you were loyal to me  
  
S: Well I know your telling the truth, because you drank it too  
  
D: Damn you're right. Oh no, I had a really great explanation all figured out, about how Madame Pomfrey must have switched the tea sweetener and truth serum without me realising  
  
S: Ha, serves you right. Well go on, ask this really important question  
  
D: Oh can't we talk first, I feel that we just don't talk enough nowadays, it's a shame  
  
S: It never really bothered me, you are like more than a hundred years older than me, but very well let's talk. I always wondered who you fancied  
  
D: I always thought Sybil was very cute, it's the only reason I hired her, she has no other skills  
  
S: Yeah I know what you mean, she's a bit old for me but she does fill out those robes well. But I always though that you and Minerva were an item  
  
D: Oh no, we did have a one night stand in the 70's. But she was a bit too clingy for my liking, you can have her if you want  
  
S: That's all right, I'd rather not  
  
D: Anyway, on to the business I wanted to discuss with you. I would like to know who you work for, Voldemort or me  
  
S: I'm not sure just let me check my diary  
  
D: Huh, why do you need to do that, it's a simple question  
  
S: It's not. I've worked for so many different groups that I've lost track  
  
D: Um could you explain because you've lost me, so start at the beginning  
  
S: Oh the beginning's easy. I was a death eater who worked for you, but Voldemort found out so I became a death eater who pretended to work for you but really worked for him. But actually I still worked for you, so I was a death eater who pretended to work for you, while pretending to work for Voldemort while really working for you  
  
D: Hmm, so a double double agent. But who do you work for now?  
  
S: That's why I need my diary, I can't remember who I work for at the moment  
  
D: But you just said you worked for me  
  
S: Well yes while you fought Voldemort I did work for you, but not much happened after that. I know I don't belong to Gilderoy Lockhart's group anymore, I remember quitting when he lost his memory  
  
D: Er.. What Lockhart group? Why wasn't I asked to join?  
  
S: It was very exclusive, our aim was to help fashion disasters everywhere and fund those who needed new clothes  
  
D: An exclusive fashion club that let you in!!? Hahaha I can't believe it  
  
S: You're just jealous that you didn't get asked to join  
  
D: Yeah you're right. Wait, why did I just admit that to you of all people  
  
S: Er Albus, truth serum, remember? That's the whole reason we're having this conversation  
  
D: Oops sorry, I forgot. I was wondering what Minerva would look like in a swimsuit  
  
S: O please spare me. But now you mention it, I did belong to a McGonagol group as well, what was it called? Hmm, oh I remember, Dumbledore lovers united  
  
D: Why Severus, I never thought you cared.  
  
S: I don't, I just liked wearing tartan T-shirts, very soft on the skin  
  
D: Hang on I still can't believe all these teachers have groups that I know nothing about  
  
S: It's not just teachers, the students have some wonderful groups as well. I belonged to Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey's group 'We love Harry Potter' but when that Denis Creevey joined, Ginny got annoyed and left  
  
D: I'm sure Harry would be delighted to know he has a fanclub  
  
S: There's loads of groups for Potter, I joined a particularly interesting one called 'Heir of Gryffindor', in fact I think Miss Weasley may have started that one as well, but she's got a new group 'Redhead's rule', I'm trying to join them at the moment. Yes I remember now, I need to pass my initiation before they'll let me join, but it'll be worth it  
  
D: I feel all left out, I never belonged to any of those clubs. But will you join us against Voldemort or not?  
  
S: Well I did have my heart set on Redhead's you get a free T-shirt if you join them  
  
D: Really well if you join us you get a free, er, um a free watch and a T- shirt  
  
S: Hmm, when you put it like that, yes of course I'll join you. Just let me make a note of it in my diary so I don't forget....Well will you look at that, it's time for my werewolf lovers group. I must fly, I have to pick up Malfoy on the way, hmm I wonder if Remus is guest speaker this week  
  
D: Er, well, right, bye. I think I should forget this conversation ever took place, yes that's definitely the best way to retain my sanity. Hang on, what sanity?  
  
  
  
Fred: That Snape needs his head examining, he's delusional  
  
George: Exactly right. As if we'd ever let him join Redheads  
  
Fred: Well it wasn't me who said he could  
  
Draco: It was Ginny, she told him if he dyed his hair red, stood on the dinner table and sang 'I'm a little teacup' he could join  
  
George: Why are you here Malfoy?  
  
Fred: Yeah, this shows for Gryffindor's not idiots like you  
  
Draco: I'm not leaving, somebody said that Potter was heir of Gryffindor I just wanted to find out if it was true  
  
George: Well ask him, he's stood behind you  
  
Draco: So Potter, is this true? Are you heir to that cruddy hole you call Gryffindor house  
  
Harry: How the hell should I know, it's not like I've been presented with a badge saying 'Heir of Gryffindor'  
  
Hermione: Well let's analyse the evidence, firstly Harry's parents lived in Godric Hollow. Second, all his family is dead, possibly because the heir of Slytherin is trying to destroy Gryffindor. Third, he's from an old and powerful wizarding family who own things like invisibility cloaks, could be that they're powerful because they're Gryffindor's and that's why Voldemort wants Harry dead. Fourth, he pulled Gryffindor's sword from the sorting hat, which Dumbledore said only a true Gryffindor could do. And finally when he tried out his wand, it shot out red and gold sparks, the Gryffindor colours  
  
Fred: You own an invisibility cloak?  
  
George: Wow, think of the possibilities  
  
Ron: Shut up you two, we're speaking now, but why did the hat want to put Harry in Slytherin?  
  
Hermione: Maybe it was confused because he speaks Parseltoungue and has some of Slytherin's powers from the curse  
  
Draco: WHAT, the hat wanted to put Potter in Slytherin, I don't believe it (faints)  
  
Harry: Er well, if that's all can we drop the subject?  
  
Fred: Great idea, drop the subject and get off our show before we kill you  
  
Ron: It's not your show  
  
George: Yes it is  
  
Ron: Fine, we're going, come on guys, we'll leave Malfoy with you  
  
Fred: Finally, we have our show back, now let's carry on  
  
George: Sorry Fred, we're out of time  
  
Fred: Oh great and I wanted to confess my undying love for Angelina as well  
  
George: Never mind, maybe next time  
  
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Ok, well that's another chapter, please review it. I'm sorry for all the heir of Gryfindor stuff at the end, it got slightly out of control. But still review it, you can always slag it off if you really want 


	4. The staff meeting/Voldemort's return

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be writing this would I. I also don't own Little Shop of Horrors  
  
A/N: I'm touched by all the nice reviews, so here slightly later than planned is yet another instalment  
  
Fred: Wow. Here we are again  
  
George: Erm, we haven't been anywhere else. We just sat here in between shows waiting to start again  
  
Fred: Oh yeah, good point. But who are the guests this show?  
  
George: I think we should chose so that we don't get someone stupid  
  
Fred: Great idea. Let's get Angelina  
  
George: Too late, we've got Oliver Wood  
  
Oliver: Hi.  
  
Fred: Oh well, it could have been worse  
  
George: So this week we're going to talk Quidditch with Oliver while everyone else looks back at how history could have been so different  
  
Oliver: Ok, can we do Dumbledore again?  
  
Fred: Sure. So if truth serum could have prevented some of those minor history points like the rise of Voldemort  
  
Oliver: That wasn't a minor history point  
  
Fred: I know I was been sarcastic  
  
Oliver: Oh sorry  
  
Fred: So if truth serum can prevent some of those minor history points like the rise of Voldemort, then why doesn't Dumbledore who many claim is the greatest wizard alive, use it?  
  
George: I don't know. But here is what could of happened if Dumbledore had actually used his head and used truth serum  
  
  
  
Harry's first year at Hogwart's after the great feast. Dumbledore has called a staff meeting  
  
Dumbledore: This year you will all drink truth serum, then tell me your biggest secrets so I can laugh at you. I mean make sure you're capable of teaching  
  
McGonagol: Oooh, what a superb idea Albus. How clever, how smart, how wonderful...  
  
Snape: We get the picture Minerva, you find Albus wonderful. I have no idea why, but you do  
  
Dumbledore: Well thank you, you two. But if everyone would now drink his or her potions we can get started  
  
McGonagol: Me first, me first, please Albus  
  
Dumbledore: Very well. Minerva, what is your biggest secret  
  
McGonagol: Well I'm in love with you  
  
Snape: You don't lead a very interesting life, do you? That was your biggest secret last year  
  
McGonagol: Yes but now I sneak into Albus' room as a cat at night to watch him sleep  
  
Dumbledore: Really Minerva, we have talked about this before. I'm not in love with you, so please stop following me around  
  
McGonagol: I'll try Albus, I'll do anything to please you  
  
Snape: How disgusting, I think I'm going to be sick  
  
Dumbledore: Ah Severus, why don't you go next  
  
Snape: I hate Potter, I hate Black, I hate Lupin and now there's even a mini Potter running around, he's probably just as annoying as his father and as noble and stupid as well  
  
Dumbledore: Honestly Severus, get over it, it was 15 years ago  
  
McGonagol: I think Potter should have let the whomping willow get you, done us all a favour  
  
Snape: Like I needed him saving my life, I would have been just fine without him  
  
McGonagol: Sure you would. What would you have done? Threatened it with your greasy hair, how scary  
  
Dumbledore: Be quiet you two. If that was your biggest secret Severus, Professor Trewlaney can go next  
  
Trewlaney: I'm sorry to say it Professor, but I cannot foresee the future. Alas, I have lied to you, I just do some random guesswork and make up weird stories about my past  
  
McGonagol: Ha, we'd noticed Sybil  
  
Snape: I'm with Minerva on this one, it's not like we expect people to actually learn in your classes we just like to laugh at them predicting each other's doom, it's very amusing  
  
McGonagol: Exactly. Everyone knows transfiguration is the best lesson  
  
Snape: Excuse me, I think you meant to say Potions  
  
McGonagol: I most certainly did not, you don't even need a wand to make a potion  
  
Snape: Which is because it's a very advanced form of magic  
  
McGonagol: No, it's because you're not clever enough to use a wand  
  
Snape: How about a duel, then we'll see who knows the more magic  
  
McGonagol: Gladly, name a time and place and I'll be there to beat you  
  
Dumbledore: If you two could just keep quiet, we don't want you blowing each other up like you did last year. Now, Hagrid why don't you go next  
  
Snape: I still don't think Hagrid should be here, he's not a teacher. He's a glorified zookeeper  
  
Hagrid: At least I don't have a stupid tattoo on my arm  
  
Dumbledore: Severus, please keep your feelings to yourself. Now Reubus your turn  
  
Hagrid: I thought that maybe I could become a friend to Harry Potter  
  
Dumbledore: That's your biggest secret?  
  
Snape: If I was friends with a Potter, I'd want to keep it secret  
  
Dumbledore: No one asked for your opinion. So was there anymore to this secret?  
  
Hagrid: Well when I was friends with Harry, I could kidnap him and go to hide in the mountains until you got me a new wand and paid a ransom fee  
  
Dumbledore: That is a really stupid plan, couldn't you at least been imaginative and gone to live in an underwater castle or at least demanded something useful like the Philosopher's stone  
  
Hagrid: That's a really great idea, I might use that one next year. Thanks Professor Dumbledore  
  
Dumbledore: Just happy to help, now who next. How about you Professor Flitwick  
  
Flitwick: Well, I was tired of everyone joking about my height, so over the summer I have been taking growth potion. I planned to stop as soon as I reached 6 foot, but it was addictive and I couldn't stop  
  
Dumbledore: Yes, we had noticed  
  
Flitwick: Really? How?  
  
Dumbledore: Well the fact you reach the ceiling was a bit of a give-away  
  
Flitwick: Oh, yes I see that could have made it obvious  
  
Dumbledore: Not to worry. Severus will make a potion to take you back to your normal height  
  
Snape: Ha, see he asked for a potion not some fancy wand swishing  
  
McGonagol: That's only because he feels sorry for you. Let's face it you don't have any other friends other than the cauldrens  
  
Snape: Says you. I'm not the one who sneaks around in the dark, spying on teachers  
  
Dumbledore: If you two could stop arguing, Professor Quirrel can take his turn  
  
Quirrel: I have merged with Voldemort and now wear a turban to hide him. Together we will steal the Philosopher's stone and take over the world. Hahahaha  
  
Snape: That's just stupid. It's so last year's craze  
  
Quirrel: You're just jealous that he chose me, not you  
  
McGonagol: You must be joking. Voldemort would never chose Snape his hair's too greasy, it would be like sharing a body with a chip pan  
  
Snape: Stop insulting my hair  
  
McGonagol: Not until you get it cut  
  
Snape: Never  
  
Dumbledore: We're meant to be dealing with Quirrel now  
  
Snape: Sorry. Just banish him  
  
McGonagol: I was going to say that, you stole my idea  
  
Snape: Did not  
  
Dumbledore: SHUT UP. Now Quirrel leave this school and never return  
  
McGonagol: Unless you find out how to kill Severus in a way that no one will discover. In which case come back and tell me  
  
Dumbledore: Fine. Madame Hooch it's your turn  
  
Hooch: Well over the summer I've been spending a lot of time planning on how to take over the school and I've finally discovered how  
  
Snape: Really? Can I join in?  
  
Hooch: Well, I'll consider it, but no promises  
  
Dumbledore: So how do you plan to take over the school, this better be a better idea than last year  
  
Hooch: It is. What I will do is hold a mutiny, and we'll all fly in on broomsticks and drop a big net over you all  
  
Dumbledore: Well it's an improvement, but still flawed. Because we will simply cut the net open  
  
Hooch: Oh well, back to the drawing board I guess  
  
Dumbledore: It was an admirable attempt. But Professor Sprout I think you may have a secret to tell us  
  
Sprout: I have also been busy over the summer. But my plan will help everybody  
  
Dumbledore: It sounds interesting, tell us more  
  
Sprout: Well, have any of you ever seen 'The Little Shop of Horror's'  
  
Dumbledore: Yes it was a wonderful show  
  
Sprout: Yes it was. So I have developed a plant just like that one, which I will train to eat Ravenclaws', Slytherins' and Gryffindors', so Hufflepuff will finally win the Quidditch and House cup  
  
Snape: That's a stupid plan  
  
McGonagol: I agree, Hufflepuff will never win anything  
  
Snape: Exactly. Slytherin will once again win both cups this year  
  
McGonagol: No way, Gryffindor will definitely win this year  
  
Snape: It'll never happen  
  
McGonagol: Yes it will. In fact I'll bet you 20 galleons that Gryffindor beat Slytherin in both cups  
  
Snape: You're on. In fact let's make it 30  
  
Dumbledore: I'll put 10 on Gryffindor. Oops, what I mean is, Professor Sprout you are forbidden from growing plants to eat students  
  
Sprout: How about trees that hit people?  
  
Dumbledore: We already have one, the Whomping Willow  
  
Sprout: Oh yeah  
  
Dumbledore: Well, not many people left now. So Madame Pince, it's your turn  
  
Pince: This summer, I decided to visit libraries in Italy. It was all going fine, until I was approached by the Mafia who wanted me to join them in illegal drug smuggling  
  
Dumbledore: Wow that's more interesting than your normal secrets. So what did you do?  
  
Pince: I refused of course, but they wouldn't take no for an answer, so I had to put drugs in all the library books and bring them back to Hogwart's  
  
Snape: Excellent, I meant to visit the library this year, it sounds like it will be fun. So where exactly are these drugs hidden?  
  
Dumbledore: Severus, this is no laughing matter. Madame Pince you must return the drugs with a polite but firm letter telling them to never contact you again. If that does not work, simply hex them  
  
Pince: Thank you headmaster, I'll do it immediately  
  
Dumbledore: Right, Filch it's only you left  
  
Snape: I don't think Filch should be classed as a teacher either  
  
McGonagol: Haven't you figured it out yet, nobody cares what you think  
  
Snape: Yes they do, you must have mistaken me with yourself  
  
Filch: Hey, it's my turn. Stop interrupting  
  
Dumbledore: Well said  
  
Filch: Well my cat Mrs Norris is really Voldemort in disguise that's why she has strange eyes  
  
Dumbledore: That was fast, we only just banished him  
  
Filch: But he's been there for 10 years  
  
Dumbledore: Then somebody is wrong. Either Quirrel or Filch has been fooled  
  
Snape: This is great, staff meetings haven't been this much fun for years  
  
Dumbledore: Let's see, what happened when you met this man who claimed to be Voldemort  
  
Filch: He told me that he was a powerful dark lord, and that if I helped him he would give me more power than I could dream of  
  
Dumbledore: When did you meet him?  
  
Filch: A few days after Voldemort met the Potter's  
  
Dumbledore: We must make Mrs Norris transform to find out who is right (performs spell)  
  
Snape: Arrggghh no, it's another one of Potter's friends, is there no escape  
  
McGonagol: Peter Pettigrew, I thought you were killed  
  
Pettigrew: Erm, well, I can explain  
  
Dumbledore: Wait, you can drink some truth serum as well  
  
Pettigrew: Oh dear, my explanation won't work then  
  
Dumbledore: Why not?  
  
Pettigrew: I was going to lie and try and blame it all on Snape  
  
McGonagol: In that case carry on  
  
Dumbledore: No, drink this Peter (Peter drinks) So why were you pretending to be Voldemort  
  
Pettigrew: Well I was the Potter's secret keeper, but Voldemort didn't manage to kill Harry, so I had to act quick, I managed to frame Sirius but then I needed to hide and to be honest I always thought Filch was quite good looking  
  
Snape: Oh that is even more gross than Minerva and Albus  
  
McGonagol: It's not as gross as your hair  
  
Dumbledore: I'm just going to ignore you two. So really what you're trying to say Peter, is that out of your three best friends, James and his wife are dead because of you, Sirius is innocent but in Azkeban, and Remus is forced to spend his life without any friends because you betrayed the all  
  
Pettigrew: That sounds basically right  
  
Dumbledore: Oh dear, I knew we should have used truth serum before now  
  
McGonagol: Never mind Albus, we all make mistakes  
  
Snape: Yes but Albus' mistake has let Voldemort rise and killed some of his best students  
  
McGonagol: That isn't very helpful Severus  
  
Snape: No but it's the truth  
  
McGonagol: Since when have you been interested in the truth, you've ignored it all your live  
  
Snape: No I haven't, you're the one avoiding the truth  
  
McGonagol: Am not. You're just a greasy haired, stuck up, overbearing, ignorant prat  
  
Snape: And you're just a four eyed, freak of nature, bookworm who has her head stuck so far in the sand that she can't see that nobody likes her  
  
Dumbledore: If you two are quite finished. This staff meeting is over.  
  
  
  
Fred: Excellent, go McGonagol  
  
George: Yeah, you tell Snape exactly where to go  
  
Oliver: I never realised she could be so assertive, I'd hate to get on the wrong side of her  
  
Fred: So now that we've seen how easily Hogwarts could become a safe place with no maniac teachers  
  
George: Except Snape and McGonagol, but they'll probably fall in love and run off together soon  
  
Oliver: Why would Snape and McGonagol fall in love?  
  
George: Because hate always turns to love  
  
Oliver: Except when it really is hate  
  
Fred: You're not allowed to disagree with us it's in the rules  
  
Oliver: What rules?  
  
Fred: The rules that we're writing now  
  
Oliver: Fair enough. I'm going anyway, Quiditch practice awaits  
  
Harry: If Oliver goes, do I get to come back?  
  
George: Sorry Harry, Fred's still trying to get Angelina on the show  
  
Harry: Oh well, I'll go defeat Voldemort again, but it's getting boring now  
  
Fred: All right, so who shall we make look stupid next time?  
  
George: How about Percy  
  
Fred: Great idea, I think we should send him some more dragon dung in the post  
  
George: Or we could write a note to Penelope telling her that he's really Voldemort in disguise  
  
Fred: That's a great idea, I'll get her address, you get the paper  
  
  
  
A/N: Another chapter, and if you read it all the through, you're a very brave person. Thank you for reading this but please review, even if you just want to tell me I have a scary mind.  
  
If you have any ideas about what else in the wizarding world could be different, then tell me 


	5. Mr Toffee visits Hogwarts

Disclaimer: Do I really have to write one of these every chapter, because by now it should be clear that I don't own anything  
  
A/N: Well I'm back again. I recently re-read the first book and noticed something, and guess what I've decided to use truth serum to show how things could be different, but by now you probably have the idea  
  
  
  
Ron: Why am I here?  
  
Fred: Well you see Ron we have something upsetting to tell you  
  
George: We really wish that we weren't the ones to have to tell you  
  
Fred: Actually we don't. We had to work really hard to make sure that we were the ones to tell you  
  
George: Oh yeah, but I was trying to be sympathetic to Ron  
  
Fred: Anyway, we have been reviewing our previous shows and have discovered something terrible  
  
Ron: Guys just tell me what's wrong  
  
George: Ok, if you're sure  
  
Fred: But if mum asks it was Percy who told you not us  
  
Ron: Deal, now tell me  
  
George: Well not only did your hero Dumbledore not put Snape under a truth potion to test his loyalty, he also didn't think to test his other staff, and he never suggested putting Sirius under a truth potion to see if he was guilty or not  
  
Ron: I already knew that  
  
Fred: You didn't let George finish, because there is further evidence to show that Dumbledore really should have been able to prevent other evil people from gaining power  
  
George: So it gives us great pleasure, I mean although it upsets us here is another instance where truth serum would have been so very useful  
  
Ron: No I can't believe this is true, you're making it up  
  
Fred: Shut up Ron, we're having fun. Anyway first let's look at what really happened  
  
  
  
End of Chamber of Secrets, Harry has rescued Ginny from the chamber. Harry, Dumbledore and Lucius Malfoy are all in the office arguing  
  
'Don't you want to know how Ginny got hold of that diary, Mr Malfoy?' said Harry  
  
Lucius Malfoy rounded on him  
  
'How should I know how the stupid little girl got hold of it?' he said  
  
'Because you gave it to her,' said Harry. 'In Flourish and Blotts. You picked up her old transfiguration book, and slipped the diary inside it, didn't you?'  
  
He saw Mr Malfoy's white hands clench and unclench.  
  
'Prove it,' he hissed.  
  
'Oh, no one will be able to do that,' said Dumbledore  
  
  
  
George: Alright end flashback  
  
Fred: So Ron do you find anything wrong in that scene?  
  
Ron: Not really, well I suppose it could be better if I was staring in it, but after all Harry has to have some lines  
  
George: Stop acting like a big star, can you work out what the supremely wonderful Dumbledore should have done  
  
Ron: If you two are so clever then why don't you show me  
  
Fred: Ok, here's what Dumbledore and Harry should have done  
  
***  
  
Malfoy: Prove it  
  
Dumbledore: Oh, no one will be able to do that  
  
Harry: Erm, why don't we just use truth serum?  
  
Dumbledore: Be quiet Harry, what a stupid idea, what would be the point of that  
  
Harry: So we can prove Mr Malfoy is working for Voldemort  
  
Dumbledore: What a wonderful idea, I was going to suggest that myself but I was letting you get some experience in dealing with evil  
  
Harry: Oh right, how nice of you  
  
Dumbledore: I know. Harry I need you to go and tell Professor McGonagol to contact the Minister of Magic urgently and then tell Professor Snape to bring up a batch of his strongest truth serum  
  
Harry: I'll be back soon (exit)  
  
Dumbledore: Well as we're going to have to wait for a while because Harry will no doubt find some other adventure to occupy his time, why don't we have a cup of tea and some sherbet lemons?  
  
Malfoy: I'm not eating anything from you  
  
Dumbledore: Would you like me to get the house elves to bring you some food?  
  
Malfoy: No. I have my own house elf anyway  
  
Dumbledore: Yes I can see him, he's stood right next to you  
  
Malfoy: Dobby go hit your head on a wall outside  
  
Dobby: Yes master, right away (exit)  
  
Dumbledore: How very cruel  
  
Malfoy: He's my house elf and I will do whatever I want to him  
  
Dumbledore: Ha, just wait till you're in Azkaban, you won't have a house elf there  
  
Malfoy: Dream on Albus, you can't prove anything  
  
Dumbledore: Really? Well we're about to find out (door opens)  
  
McGonagol: Hello headmaster, Harry insisted on returning with me  
  
Harry: Well it was my idea  
  
McGonagol: Whatever. Anyway slimy Severus will be here with Mr Fudge and the truth serum soon  
  
Dumbledore: Stop calling him slimy Severus  
  
McGonagol: No, he started it  
  
Malfoy: If you two are busy at the moment I'll go and come back some other time  
  
Dumbledore: Lucius how stupid do you think I am  
  
Malfoy: As I'm not under any truth serum, I'll decline from answering that (door opens)  
  
Fudge: Hello all, Severus and me have just acquired the truth serum  
  
Snape: WHAT. I just brewed that myself, you had nothing to do with it  
  
Fudge: I supervised, but I wasn't saying hello to you anyway  
  
Snape: Like I care  
  
McGonagol: We all know Slimy Severus doesn't have the brain cells to care about anything  
  
Snape: Oh it's Moaning Minnie, how wonderful  
  
McGonagol: Stop calling me Minnie, you overgrown bat  
  
Dumbledore: Both stop it, you're setting a bad example in front of Harry  
  
Harry: I don't mind, I hate Slimy Severus too  
  
McGonagol: See, it's fine  
  
Snape: Just wait till the next potions lesson Potter, I'm going to make so sure you fail that not even know-it-all Granger would be able to help you  
  
Harry: Oooh Mr Fudge sir. I'm scared, that nasty man just threatened my friends and me  
  
Fudge: Poor boy, Severus I'm shocked how could you be so horrible to little Harry, he's had a very rough ordeal  
  
Snape: But he's pretending, he's just like his father, a complete liar  
  
Fudge: Honestly Severus lying is just going to get you into more trouble  
  
McGonagol: Exactly Slimy Severus, leave poor Harry alone. He's a good boy, unlike those Slytherin children of yours, such hooligans  
  
Dumbledore: Harry I think you should leave. Professor McGonagol and Professor Snape may say something they regret otherwise  
  
Harry: But I want to stay and watch, it'll be funny  
  
Dumbledore: Sorry Harry (exit)  
  
  
  
Fudge: So why am I here anyway?  
  
Dumbledore: It's very important Mr Toffee, we would like to interrogate Lucius Malfoy, but for some stupid reason we need your permission  
  
Fudge: That's because I'm Minister of Magic, and my name's Fudge  
  
Dumbledore: Oops sorry Mr Biscuit  
  
Fudge: I'm just going to ignore that, why would you want to question Lucius he's very loyal to me  
  
Malfoy: Exactly, I'm hurt by all these wild accusations  
  
Fudge: See you've hurt his feelings now  
  
McGonagol: But he's working for the Dark Lord  
  
Fudge: No he works for me, don't you Lucius?  
  
Malfoy: Absolutely and you're the best boss ever  
  
Fudge: Stop it you're making me blush  
  
Snape: And you're making me sick  
  
McGonagol: Looking in a mirror makes you sick  
  
Dumbledore: Don't even bother replying Severus. This is a serious matter, if Lucius is innocent he won't mind taking some truth serum  
  
Fudge: That's actually a good point  
  
Malfoy: But it's an invasion of my civil rights, and if I did take it then you'd be letting maniac headmasters around the world gain more and more power, until they eventually had more power than you  
  
Fudge: My gosh. In that case, I know your game Dumbledore, Lucius here has seen through your evil plan for world domination  
  
Dumbledore: I have no such plan  
  
Snape: Yes you do, remember last year we all had that fancy dress party and you had to dress like the biggest fool you knew, and everyone came dressed as Fudge  
  
McGonagol: Oh yeah, and then Albus said we should really overthrow him because we'd be doing everyone a favour  
  
Dumbledore: Haha that was just a little joke  
  
Snape: Are you sure? It sounded real at the time  
  
Dumbledore: Severus shut up before I throw you back to the Whomping willow  
  
Fudge: If you've finished arguing, Lucius and me will be leaving now  
  
Dumbledore: But you can't go, he hasn't confessed to working for Voldemort yet  
  
Malfoy: That's because I don't  
  
Dumbledore: Well if you don't then you have nothing to fear  
  
Fudge: Very well, Lucius drink the damn potion so we can shut Albus up and leave  
  
Malfoy: But I can't  
  
Fudge: Why not?  
  
Malfoy: I'm allergic to eggs  
  
Snape: That's ok, this is an egg free potion  
  
Malfoy: Well in that case I'm allergic to anything without egg  
  
Snape: I'll add some egg for you  
  
Fudge: Just drink the thing  
  
Malfoy: Fine (drinks)  
  
  
  
Dumbledore: Excellent this won't take long, Malfoy are you working for Lord Voldemort  
  
Malfoy: Yes  
  
McGonagol: That's one  
  
Dumbledore: And do you possess a hidden chamber full of illegal poisons  
  
Malfoy: Yes, there's also a fairly good collection of Witch's Weekly down there as well  
  
Dumbledore: Really I must take a look at them sometime  
  
McGonagol: That's two  
  
Snape: What are you going on about, although it's wonderful that you have finally learned to count, the rest of us don't really care  
  
McGonagol: Just be quiet you big greaseball  
  
Dumbledore: And did you give Ginny Weasley, Tom Riddle's diary so the Chamber of secrets could be opened again  
  
Malfoy: Absolutely, that was my best idea yet  
  
McGonagol: That's three, go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 100 galleons  
  
Dumbledore: Fudge you didn't by any chance steal some of your laws of a muggle board game did you?  
  
Fudge: Well actually I did, I was really short of ideas  
  
Dumbledore: I still have no idea how you became minister of magic  
  
Malfoy: He slept his way to the top  
  
Snape: Really? Now this conversation is getting interesting  
  
McGonagol: You must be joking who would want to sleep with him  
  
Dumbledore: Interesting though Mr Shortbread's private life is, we still need to deal with Malfoy  
  
Fudge: It's simple, we send him to Azkaban, then we can have a big party and all get drunk  
  
Dumbledore: Sounds like a good plan, except for the getting drunk part  
  
Snape: Yeah, Dumbledore is hilariously funny to watch when he's drunk  
  
McGonagol: Look who's talking, I remember you getting drunk, and then very loudly…  
  
Snape: Shut up, we should be contacting Azkaban now  
  
Malfoy: No wait, if I have to spend the rest of my life in prison at least give me a good laugh before I go  
  
Fudge: Yeah I want to know as well. In fact as Minister of Magic, I demand you tell me  
  
McGonagol: Well Slimy Sev got drunk, put on a pink ballerinas dress, twirled up and down the street doing the waltz with Professor Flitwick  
  
Fudge: Flitwick, the midgety one? Why that's priceless, I can tell this story for years  
  
Snape: She's lying, it was her that made a fool of herself not me  
  
McGonagol: Whatever he says is a lie  
  
Snape: No it's the truth, Minnie came over and confessed her undying love for me at that party last year  
  
McGonagol: No way, that never happened  
  
Snape: Did so  
  
McGonagol: Why the hell would I be in love with you  
  
Snape: My charm, good looks and suave personality  
  
McGonagol: Don't make me laugh  
  
Snape: I wasn't trying to  
  
Dumbledore: Tell you what we're going to leave the room now, just please don't kill each other  
  
Fudge: But I want to stay and laugh at them, hey Albus stop, you can't drag me through the door like a sack of potatoes, I'm the minister of magic, show me the respect I deserve, put me down  
  
  
  
Snape: I'm leaving now, I do not wish to partake in such childish behaviour  
  
McGonagol: That's right scuttle back to your hole, like the rat you are, have fun with your lame potions and cauldrons, you could try and make yourself some friends while your at it  
  
Snape: You're just jealous, don't deny it. Don't walk away from me while I'm talking to you. Hey Minnie stop, I haven't finished insulting you yet. Come back  
  
  
  
***  
  
Fred: Well we'll leave them there to argue  
  
George: Good idea, hopefully they'll just kill each other and then we won't have to bother with potions or transfiguration  
  
Fred: Wow, that would be great  
  
George: Anyway for the next show we have a real treat lined up  
  
Harry: What? I actually get a part?  
  
Fred: Nope, we haven't got that desperate yet  
  
George: But you did have a walk on part in this show, you should be very proud  
  
Fred: And we would do a show about you, but you and Ronniekins arguing is nowhere near as funny as Snape and McGonagol arguing  
  
Harry: Fair enough  
  
George: Glad you see sense, because next show we will be trying to matchmake Snape and McGonagol  
  
Harry: Huh, what does that have to do with the show  
  
Fred: Absolutely nothing, we just wanted to prove that hate always turns to love  
  
Harry: But it doesn't I hate Malfoy, it doesn't mean we're going to fall in love  
  
George: Wow, what a great idea for a new show, we could call it Malfoy and Potter in love, thanks Harry  
  
Harry: That's alright. Hang on what I mean is you have to show why wizard should have used their heads, that's the whole point of your show  
  
Fred: Oh fine, we'll do Voldemort and truth serum  
  
George: Are you happy now, does that satisfy your demands most wonderful Harry?  
  
Harry: Well suppose it will do. For now  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: I don't think that chapter was as funny as previous ones, but please read and review because next time Voldemort comes back and yes you've guessed it everybody uses truth serum. PLEASE REVIEW 


	6. A mistake about a Lily

Disclaimer: Yes I own Harry Potter, all bow down at my feet. Oops wait, it turns out I don't own it after all  
  
  
  
Fred: Is Angelina going to be on this show?  
  
George: No, it's just you, me and a Dark Lord called Voldemort  
  
Fred: In that case, I'm off on strike until Angelina comes on our show  
  
George: WHAT, get back here, I can't hold a conversation with myself.  
  
Ok, I guess we should get on with the show, so truth serum is now so popular, that even Voldemort is using it, let's see what happens:  
  
  
  
Voldemort: You'll all be pleased to know I have new and improved plans this year  
  
Peter: Master what could possibly be better than last year's plan  
  
Voldemort: Is grovelling all you're good at Pettigrew?  
  
Peter: Erm well I do seem to have talent for it, most wonderful Dark Lord  
  
Malfoy: Pettigrew, do you realise how stupid you are  
  
Voldemort: Now now Lucius, Pettigrew may not be the sharpest crayon in the box but neither are Crabbe or Goyle  
  
Peter: What's a crayon?  
  
Malfoy: Arggh see what I mean. Anyway what's the plan?  
  
Voldemort: Well after last years slightly embarrassing incident  
  
Peter: What incident?  
  
Malfoy: You idiot, do you practice been stupid?  
  
Peter: Yes, I hold regular clubs, you can come if you want  
  
Voldemort: Anyway as I was saying after last year, when all twenty of you managed to miss a small boy with a broken leg  
  
Avery: To be fair he was running very fast  
  
Malfoy: Yeah, it's hard to hit a moving target  
  
Voldemort: I do not want to hear any more of your pathetic excuses, the point is this year we will all drink truth potion  
  
Avery: Even you?  
  
Voldemort: No, I'm in charge  
  
Snape: But that's not fair  
  
Voldemort: Quiet Snape, for you insolence you can go first and tell me if you are you loyal to me or not  
  
Snape: But what if I'm not loyal  
  
Voldemort: We all get to torture you for a bit before we kill you. Now drink  
  
Snape: Oh dear that's a shame because I'm a spy  
  
Malfoy: See I told you he wasn't loyal  
  
Snape: But wait I do have some very good talents  
  
Voldemort: Like what?  
  
Snape: I can make very powerful love potions  
  
Voldemort: You fool, I do not want to buy potions, I do own my own wand  
  
Snape: That exactly what Minerva said  
  
Voldemort: This Minerva sounds like a bright woman, I want to meet her, Lucius fetch her  
  
Malfoy: But sir she is Minerva McGonagall, head of Gryffindor  
  
Voldemort: I remember her, she was hot when I was at school, everyone fancied her  
  
Malfoy: But when you were at school she was 20 years old  
  
Voldemort: I don't care, go fetch her now, go on  
  
Malfoy: I haven't had my turn drinking truth potion  
  
Voldemort: There's no point, I know you'll be loyal to me until you see an opportunity to take power yourself  
  
Malfoy: You're right, in that case I'll go get McGonagall (exit)  
  
Voldemort: So what shall we do now? We can torture Snape when Minerva gets here, so who else shall I test, Goyle, Crabbe, Avery, Knott, Puny Peter or maybe even Karkaroff, yes I think we'll test Karkaroff  
  
Avery: Why would we test Karkaroff? It's very obvious he isn't loyal, after all Goyle had to knock him out and drag him here and even now we have him tied up over there  
  
Karkaroff: I can still hear you, I'm not deaf  
  
Voldemort: But you could be deaf, I know a very nifty little spell that turns you deaf for years  
  
Knott: Let's just kill him  
  
Voldemort: But that won't be as much fun  
  
Peter: We don't have much time Malfoy will be back with McGonagall soon  
  
Voldemort: Oooo I want to look my best for Minerva's arrival, kill him (exit)  
  
Peter: Wait for me master, I can help you change (exit)  
  
Avery: That is one perverted man  
  
Knott: I know. Do you want to kill him or shall I?  
  
Snape: I'll do it  
  
Knott: Shut up Severus, we weren't talking to you  
  
Snape: You better be nice to me, I have a deal for you  
  
Avery: Why would we strike a deal with you, you slimy git  
  
Snape: Because I know that neither of you are loyal to him either  
  
Knott: Oh, well what Avery meant to say was please tell us your plan Severus  
  
Snape: If you change the truth serum for butterbeer, he'll never know the truth, but in return you have to untie me and help me escape  
  
Avery: Sounds fair enough, you've got yourself a deal  
  
Karkaroff: What about me?  
  
Knott: I can't be bothered to kill him, someone else do it  
  
Avery: I don't want to  
  
Karkaroff: Just let me go, I promise I'll be good and live in a cave in Russia for the rest of my life, the master never need know  
  
Knott: All right, quick run now before he comes back  
  
Snape: What are we going to say, when the Dark Lord comes back and wants to see the body  
  
Avery: Oops didn't think of that  
  
Knott: It's too late now, the master and Peter are over there and Malfoy is coming from the other direction  
  
Voldemort: Where's Karkaroff?  
  
Knott: Erm, Avery can explain  
  
Avery: Well it's like this, what happened was we hit Karkaroff so hard that he just turned to dust  
  
Voldemort: Do you honestly expect me to believe that?  
  
Avery: Yes  
  
Voldemort: Oh ok then, I guess you're more powerful than I thought. Ooo here's Malfoy  
  
Malfoy: Hello master, I have brought McGonagall, she wouldn't come at first, but when she heard Snape was going to die she practically ran the whole way here  
  
Snape: Well that's just charming  
  
McGonagall: Slimy Sev, it's really wonderful to see you  
  
Snape: Just kill me now, this is too much torture  
  
Voldemort: I'll kill you in a minute, first I think Minerva and me should catch up, how longs it been?  
  
McGonagall: About 50 years I think  
  
Voldemort: So much wasted time, you know I left Hogwarts determined to become a rich man and then I could come back and win your love  
  
McGonagall: Well that was a much nicer plan than what really happened. What went wrong?  
  
Voldemort: I went in search of the wonderful tropical Lily, because I knew if I gave you that you'd fall in love with me. But I couldn't find it and I overheard somebody talking about a Lily at Hogwarts so I came back to see what it was but it turned out to just be some stupid girl. And I was so annoyed and upset that I started killing everybody I met  
  
McGonagall: O no, poor you  
  
Snape: WHAT, Minerva what are you doing? You're meant to be in love with me  
  
McGonagall: Why the hell would I love you, you don't even wash  
  
Snape: I do so, my hair's naturally silky  
  
McGonagall: Silky? I think you mean greasy  
  
Snape: Shut up you old hag, you'll be dead soon enough anyway, you should have retired years ago  
  
Voldemort: Sorry to interrupt this happy reunion, but I'm conducting truth tests  
  
McGonagall: Sounds like fun, just as long as Stupid Sev gets killed soon  
  
Voldemort: All in good time. Avery and Knott drink the potion  
  
Avery: Of course master  
  
Voldemort: Ok, are you loyal to me or not?  
  
Knott: Absolutely, I'll do anything for you  
  
Avery: Me too, you're my all-time hero  
  
Voldemort: Wow, how very loyal, I would never have thought it  
  
Peter: Master, I need to go potty  
  
Voldemort: How many times do I have to tell you to go to the toilet before we go out to these killing sprees  
  
McGonagall: O look it's Pettigrew, can we kill him as well? Pretty please  
  
Voldemort: Well I don't know. He is very useful to kick around  
  
McGonagall: Oh please, it'll be funny to kill him and Smarmy Sev together  
  
Snape: Hey, I at least deserve my own death, rat boy can find his own  
  
Voldemort: Tell you what Minerva, we'll compromise. I'll give him the potion, if Potty Peter isn't completely loyal, we can kill him  
  
McGonagall: But we get to kill Silly Sev whatever happens?  
  
Voldemort: Absolutely, so Peter drink it, and don't spill any of it on the carpet, I just had it dry-cleaned after what you did last time  
  
Peter: That's not fair, that other time was an accident  
  
Voldemort: Whatever. How does the truth serum taste?  
  
Peter: I have no idea  
  
Voldemort: What the hell do you mean  
  
Avery: Oh oh, this isn't good, I think we should run (exit)  
  
Knott: I'm right behind you (exit)  
  
Snape: Hey wait for me, I'm coming too (exit)  
  
Voldemort: Peter you have 5 seconds to tell me what you mean  
  
Peter: This isn't truth serum, it's butterbeer, you've been tricked  
  
Voldemort: WHAT, not again. AVERY, KNOTT, SNAPE get back here now, I'm going to kill you all when I find you  
  
  
  
  
  
George: Wow, I guess truth serum doesn't always work, erm well I'm not sure what to say, Fred's still on strike, so it's still just me, Harry did offer to co-present but I think he was trying to hi-jack my wonderful show. Hey that's a good point, this is now my show, it's mine, all mine, hahahaha  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: So Snape escapes to fight another day. Poor McGonagall, she thought she was finally going to beat him, oh well maybe next time 


End file.
